The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I reviewed New Moon on here, and I surprisingly liked it. However, I need to revisit that one as sudden revelations have lead me to change my opinions of that film, and even though Eclipse is better than New Moon, you can't help but think this is all getting a bit ridiculous now.

Usually, this second paragraph is one that fills you in on the plot of the film I've recently seen - this film, in all honesty, doesn't have much of a plot to report. Eclipse has the same plot as the other two films, i.e. Bella and Edward falling in love. By this point they have fallen in love, and if you remember from the end of New Moon, Edward asked Bella to marry her. Shock horror. This film is the exact same as New Moon, with the addition of New-Borns, one of the few things I liked in this film. New-Borns are people who have only just turned into Vampires (or the Twilight equivalent of Vampires - shit ones). Eclipse puts forward the idea that New-Borns are Vampires at their strongest, because they have more or less no control over their ability - they're volatile, and will do anything to feed. Not a bad idea from Miss. Meyer there. So, we've discovered that Bella and Edward love each other, and of what I know of Breaking Dawn, they both live happily ever after. Why that takes four books and, annoyingly, five films (bloody Twilight copying Harry Potter by making Breaking Dawn into two films), I have no idea. So, what are the films pros and cons?

I'll start with the pros. To begin with, there really isn't that much fighting, it takes a good hour or so to get any action scenes into it. You get a snippet when the Cullens practice fighting in preparation of battling the New-Borns, which is mildly entertaining. When we finally get to the battle I've been begging for, truthfully, it doesn't disappoint. It's fast and furious, the Cullens (Jasper especially) completely destroying the oncoming New-Borns in tremendous fashion. I found two things annoying in that scene - the occasional cut scenes back to Bella and Edward, I just wanted to see some fighting! And secondly, how the Vampires died. Because of the now infamous way the Vampires in Twilight react to sunlight, these vampires simply smash when they get their head punched off. Which is all very well, but part of me hoped it would be better. Considering the director, David Slade, who's the man behind my favourite horror film of all time 30 Days Of Night, I was expecting maybe a little bit of more epic incidents when it comes to killing Vampires! Sadly though, to keep the 12A, they had to just smash. Slight downfall to a great scene. Sadly though, the fighting scenes are the solitary pro in this, well, mess of a film.

The first con is how they went about telling the story. I think the screenplay writers assumed that everyone going to see this film would know thoroughly what's going on in the story. Err, not quite. Most of the characters were throwing names out all over the place. Whenever we heard Bella, Edward or Jacob, we were okay. Names like Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Carlisle, Victoria were tolerable, if occasionally confusing trying to differentiate the different Cullens. It's when they throw names like Harry and Billy into the mix is when I get confused. Firstly, who is Harry? And apparently, if I remember rightly, they killed Harry's son at some point too? I have no idea, I was too busy working out who the hell Harry was. Issue number 1. Issue number 2 was the piss poor special effects in the chase-through-the-forest-scene. How that made it past post-production, I have no idea. When you watch it, you'll know what I mean. The Cullens chase Victoria through the forest, surprisingly, and firstly they don't look like they're even running, they're like moving pictures with the occasional expression change to give off the impression that they're actually doing it. Issue 3, however, is the biggest of the lot. In fact, so big, that it deserves its own paragraph.

How terrible Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are at acting, especially the latter.

Somehow, we as an audience are meant to believe that Stewart and Pattinson are meant to be totally in love, and are happy to stay with each other for, literally, ever. Though, from the opening scene containing Bella and Edward, the word "awkward" sums it all up perfectly. The non-sensical, awkward conversations they have, the awkward kissing moment, even the awkward seating position Edward is in (he's basically shoving is crotch into Bella's bum area). What's even worse is that they used to be a couple. Maybe that's a factor in the awkward, but they should know that this is a film millions upon millions will be watching. At least try and give it some oomph. Taylor Lautner, then, suffers from I've-Got-A-Six-Pack-Which-Means-I-Can-Act Syndrome. My arse can he act. He spends nearly the whole film with his shirt off, meaning every female in the cinema will be staring at his stomach rather than concentrating on what he's saying. He also suffers from this awkward theme, by gazing bizarrely at Bella and Edward embracing. His very bland way of showing his feelings for Bella is just embarrassing, and whenever he gets a mildly humourous line, he doesn't have the comic timing to do it properly. For instance, in a tent on a mountain, Jacob and Edward have a sort of man-to-man, heart-to-heart talk, and near the end of the conversation, Edward says something like "You know, if we weren't natural enemies, then I might actually like you." Fair enough, Mr. Edward. What Jacob returns with is the insanely predictable line, "If you weren't dating the woman I love *TOO LONG A PAUSE* nah, I'd still hate you." Err, was I supposed to laugh at that? Why leave a 20 minute pause to deliver the punchline? Instead of undressing Bella with his eyes, he should've paused for half a second, and said the line. Not wait for 10 minutes to catch the next bus, go to town, by a t-shirt, come back and then deliver the punch line! Not amused, Mr. Lautner.

To summarise, this truthfully is a piss poor attempt at a continuation of an immensely (though why, I have no idea) popular franchise. The action is the reason for the score below, but if the action wasn't there, it would've been even lower.

4/10. Cringe worthy is the phrase, I think.

P.S. You know this whole Team Jacob, Team Edward malarkey? Well, watching that, I really have to wonder why there are such teams. Lautner has a bizarre face, he actually looks like the werewolf he turns into, and Edward is just weird looking. He's disproportionately thin if you ask me. Team Alice and Rosalie for the win.